I get this way every year. Every year since my Uncle Rick died. I almost wrote passed away, and then I erased it. Backspace, backspace, backspace.
We sugar coat it by saying “passed away”. He died. And then we lost Daniel. I get cranky, and emotional, and jittery. Then I realize there must be some kind of post traumatic stress that is associated with it. I don’t even realize it until the date creeps up on me. Like last night, as I lay in bed with M facing me, both on our sides, and I was talking and huge, hot tears crept out of my eyes. I found myself quickly apologizing, and then taking it back. Because I shouldn’t. But poor M, didn’t get any time with them. He would have loved them. Because I loved them so, and because they were amazing humans. And I can’t keep apologizing and shoving my emotions back in.
October is on of my favorite months. It has been since I was little, and I guess now it holds a little bit of sadness for all of us.
I was cranky yesterday. Edgy. I didn’t want to sit still. But I didn’t want to move. I was dreading next weekend, for more reasons than one, but I couldn’t put my finger on why I am so anxious about it. And then again, the dates hit me in the face.
I’m not good at processing it. Even now. My aunt Cathy weighs heavy on my mind. My siblings, my mother, my grandfather, and Josh. Uncle Rick would have loved this picture.
I know they are all feeling the same thing too. And others worse than I am.
But then I remember, that at least we remember. Those memories are seared in to the brain like a brand that lasts forever.
For whatever the reason, I just didn’t process the loss like I should have. It lingers. I don’t just think about it in October. There might not be a day that a handful of people don’t cross my mind. It is a invisible thread that connects us all. Even crossing the boundaries of life and death.
I am sharing “October” again.
I’ll be sitting at the cemetery later, I don’t go often, but once a year I make my rounds. I know that isn’t where they are, but I guess I just need to do it.
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I sat with you today.
For as long as the sun blazing its autumn colors would allow
The time went by too quickly.
And the tears made a slow way down my cheeks until the makeup
burned my eyes.
It’s cold now. But today the sun allowed me
Or maybe it was you. Begging the Sun to let me stay until I
was able to breath again.
Even the train failed to blow its usual loud call and slowed
As if silently as he could, recognizing I needed just a few
It wasn’t until the last few colors were leaving the sky
until I realized I was saying hello and goodbye yet again to
you, and now him.
And that this is just a passing phase we have to make it
Maybe I’m jealous. Jealous that you get the others to
yourself. Those before us. Maybe I’m angry that we have to
let go of yet another.
And when I look down at your grave. And prepare myself
for another goodbye I realize that if you begged the sun for
enough light and enough warmth to allow me another day to sit
here before the cold sets in.
That you must miss us too.