It’s kind of funny how one random act of jealousy can stir us up. I know I tend to use passive aggression when writing here, but I think it’s important to show our imperfect sides.
I watch people go through their phases, myself included, of insecurity.
But the last few weeks, a nagging insecurity provided something wonderful this morning.
Going over a few things with one of my very best friends this morning helped me to understand exactly why some people behave the way they do. Sometimes when we move on with our lives, and then take a look back at what we took for granted, the thought of someone else coming along to embrace what we no longer wanted, or needed, sparks a knee-jerk reaction of longing.
I am so amazed by synchronicity and serendipity at times, and equally amazed with those who choose arrested development. The tiny threads that bind us together, sometimes taking years to present their entire purpose. I spend a lot of my thoughts on these things, and attempting to pay attention to those two tiny blessings. When something bad happens, or when insecurity takes over I attempt to figure out why, and understand that everything does happen for a reason. I know it, I believe it, I live it. I know others do not, and that’s perfectly okay.
I realized this morning, that I am so entirely grateful for where I am in my life right now. I am so entirely grateful for those I get to wake up with each morning, and my friends who never let me forget who I am, or attempt help me through to see both sides of a story. The last year and a half has been spent learning more about my faults and my vices. But the faults and stumbles did serve their purpose, and I am sure there will be many more to come. The discipline I have had to keep, in the end, taught me a more valuable lesson than I realized.
I can’t imagine not being where I have landed. And I can’t wait to see where I am going. I hope that the journey is equally spiritual and enlightening as it has been. I hope that I continue to understand that I am in charge of changing the things and habits I don’t like, and I also hope that those around me continue to learn from watching my slips and falls. And that I try to learn from theirs, even those who I seem to struggle with insecurity in an interaction, and being contemptuous towards.
I did learn something from my own insecurity the last couple of weeks. It hit me like a freight train this morning. I am learning from the passive aggressive drama thrown my way by a few uninspiring adults. I have stood up through the last year and a half and figured out what I needed to change, and where I want to be. And I made choices to move towards an incredible and fulfilling life.
But the best part, is through it all (which I would do over again in a heart beat), I ended up so blessed that I can’t even put it in words.
Recently, someone asked me if I were “happy”. I thought “yes”, at first.
But happy is a fleeting emotion.
I am content and secure. Secure. Emotionally and physically secure, minus a few fleeting human moments that spark jealousy or insecurity, or even anger. That is exactly where I want to be. Right now I am surrounded by those I trust and love. And trust goes hand in hand with being secure. So for now, I tiptoe through the insecurity, and focus on the amazing gifts I have been handed, over what seemed like huge mountains I could never attempt to cross. The mountains seemingly get easier to climb with each one conquered, and I am excited to see what happens this year!
The thing is, in hindsight…if someone else had not made a mistake, I wouldn’t have ended up with such an incredible person right by my side.
Or if I hadn’t learned from my own mistakes…I’d never have the relationships and experiences I have now.
Day 3~ So today I am thankful for all things that go along with karma. The lessons we learn, and the lessons we teach. Insecurity, jealousy, mis-steps along the way, and words not spoken, “Don’t throw rocks at glass houses”, “Reap what you sow” yada…yada…yada…some people will never learn.
Make an attempt to NOT be one of those people. Pay attention to your judgments, watch your words, and acknowledge the feelings attached to those things. It’s something we do on a daily basis, myself included. Those imperfections are what make us human, but they are also what aides in our growth once we recognize and address them. I can think back to a time when I needed to hear a decent lesson in karma. Might have been quite a bit in my younger years, but none the less, it was needed.
We really do get back what we give, so…do good. Focus on trust and security. Figure out what is making you insecure. Try and figure out where the feeling is coming from. Fight the anger and yet allow it to be acknowledged, because really, that is all those emotions want, is to be acknowledged.
Lots of changes here, and changes coming in my writing, but those announcements will have to wait.
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