I thought at the beginning of the week that I wouldn’t have the courage, strength, or inspiration to keep writing this week. As you can see over the course of the week passing, I was wrong.
I think that I almost took the easy way out. I almost let myself fall back in to my old patterns of running, and just letting it go. It would be easy to just go back in to my comfort zone and my old ways. Pushing the emotions back down, but all of the self reflection I have had over the last 6 months or so would have gone to a sad waste. I wouldn’t have grown. Nor would I have been able to understand my purpose, and the gift I have been given to work with.
I thought a lot this week about reflections. I thought about the old saying, when you dislike someone it is because you see a reflection of something in yourself that you don’t like. And it was like a lightening bolt, I have been slowly changing the negative things about myself that I was unhappy with, that is the purpose, and the lesson in the last few months.
I thought about the fact that I have spent months working on myself and eliminating negativity and making choices that were healthier for me, and in the long run my children. I thought about the fact that I have been collecting people, and those people are a reflection of myself. They are love and hope, and they are damaged and have broken pieces. The wounds are just as deep in them, as mine are. But they are LOVE and they are HOPE. They are good, and they are accepting. They see the beauty in this crazy world, and they believe. They believe that everything happens for a reason, that the threads that bind us have always been connected, and that the very moment that brings you together, was meant to be in every way that is good.
If I stop believing, then it will stop existing. That belief, and that hope, is what keeps me going. It is what allows me to see the reflection of myself in others, and the great things that are meant to be. It is what allows me to let someone in. Finally, for the first time in my life, and completely trust. It is what allows me to continue to have an open heart, and an open mind.
Isn’t it a beautiful thing when you realize that you can meet your heart and your head somewhere in the comfortable middle? You can allow yourself to be lead by your head, but also be open to your heart as well. It’s when you see that your head allows for the processing of the information, but that you can trust your heart to process the feeling. That is when the magic happens.
Feelings are not logical, and logical isn’t feeling. And yet they both serve the same master.
I am glad I say what is needed to say, I am glad that when it gets uncomfortable I can push through that feeling. I am grateful for the people in my life, and the lessons of the heart. And I am grateful that while I understand logic, that I allow myself to listen to my heart. What a shame it would be to miss out on some of the greatest emotions and the greatest people that surround me now. And it would be a shame to lose myself again. That is just not an option.
Passion and love drive me. They always have, and they always will.