Such an odd title, right? That is what it seems to be, lately. It’s kind of how I feel.
Just when I get to feeling that what I believe is true, something comes along and seems to remind me that I am simply, a used car. If you had the option to choose between brand new, and used, you would most certainly choose the newer car. Even if you like classic beauty, and dependability. If you have the money, it’s easier in the long run, than having to go through and repair something that has issues. It’s just logical, right? I guess what we need to keep in mind, is sometimes the salesman isn’t honest about anything at all. And only after the fact, might we look back and see we made the absolute wrong decision. But it’s too late. The note has been signed.
There is nothing worse than eating crow. Or being proven wrong, or to be made a fool. I wasn’t going to blog. But this seemingly has turned in to an online diary of sorts, I thought why not. I don’t use Facebook or Twitter as an outlet. And I like to keep my posts vague in regards to whom I may be speaking about. And I’m sure there is someone out there who understands the human nature that comes along with having a heart. The different shades of light and dark we seem to drift through, taking in each breath, and then seeing the lesson placed before us. Human nature, I suppose.
I think I am finally, completely, broken. I don’t feel comfortable continuing with my writing, nor do I feel comfortable seeing how I can feel something so strongly, only to turn around and be shoved right back in to feeling the opposite. Even though I feel its urge deep down, I am choosing to not continue. I am choosing to let go of my beliefs. What I thought was honest, turned out to not be honest at all. It was truly my heart fooling me into believing in something that only exists for others. Maybe it is time to stop loving so fiercely, and just…well…stop feeling. It’s time to shut everything off. It seems to be the only way to keep my heart from getting broken. And it seems to be the only way to make it now in the world. Or is it? It’s how I feel in this very moment. But I suppose I won’t let that define me. However, it does put the brakes on a lot of things. It gives me clarity that, what you thought you saw in someones eyes, didn’t in fact, exist at all. Maybe that is the hard part to take in.
It would take a literal miracle for me to see anything now other than the logical side of things. I am truly, retreating in to myself and only allowing for the taking care of business. And again, here we are on “pause”. I am doing the very best I can, and it’s not enough. But I NEED to believe, I need to hold on to that tiny piece of me that still believes, even through the darker parts.
I don’t judge. I accept. I don’t hate, I choose to love. I don’t give up. But I am, for now. I need to take a break and try and understand the lesson put before me. Sadly, I believe it is a lesson in regret. Last week, I spoke about not regretting anything. For one of the rare moments in my life, I think I might actually regret something. I regret not keeping a wall up and taking a moment to see if what was standing in front of me was real.
I almost regret believing in love. And that is a hard pill to swallow for me, because I have believed in love my entire life.
I know bad things happen to good people. I know I will feel better. Right now, it’s just hard to feel like I’m not suffocating by my own feelings and mockery. I should have known better. I should have seen through it. And I didn’t.
I won’t give up believing all together. But this time, I won’t accept so openly. And I certainly will lock up everything I handed out so freely.
For those of you who have read Taurean & Leo to the end, and those who know my story, the ironic way this is ending is eerily similar to Trinitys situation. Funny, now I know exactly how my character felt when she received that text. I suppose we truly are a reflection of the worlds we seem to create in our stories.