I listen to so much Coldplay, especially in the mornings when I send the kids off to school. Coffee and my music. Coldplay, David Gray or Jack Johnson. I love the depth. Music defines so much of my life. It seems to set a tone for the entire day. I finally crawled in to bed at 2 am last night, baffled by the days events, and just very lonely. I thought I could sleep. But I couldn’t. At 5 am, I was back up. I never seem to sleep anymore. I don’t dream very often. And I don’t sleep peacefully. After a full pot of coffee, a Kakao session with South Korea, and a long Skype session with Germany…I thought I could lay down to take a nap. Something to clear my foggy mind, to be honest I was begging for sleep. It didn’t happen. I laid there crying, soaking up tears with tissue after tissue. I don’t cry often. It was the hard, desperate cry that just bleeds emotion. Last year, I stopped crying all together, because I stopped feeling. At least that is another sign I am on the right path, that I can feel anything, something, at all. It’s nice to remember who you are.
I was sure that I would not feel compelled to write today. How wrong was I? It’s been building all day long. And after texts, messaging, phone calls and attempting to block out the world, the “pause” feature seemed to avail me today.
I finally, crawled out of the bed, after trying to take a nap. I Skyped with Danielle again, needing the calm reassurance and love. And then I cleaned the house, and finally decided a run would help me with some clarity. Or at least speed my heart rate enough I’d only be able to focus on that. Nope. Wrong again. On my run, one of my favorite songs in the entire world, well two actually, was playing away in my ear buds. “Fix You” by Coldplay and “Trouble” by Coldplay, they were so sounding today. I’ll share the links to the songs here. Maybe they will be your favorites, or at least worth a listen for today.
Do I want someone to “fix” me? Am I “trouble”? I think everyone searches for the repair, or gets caught up in the intoxicating buzz of someone else taking your pain or worries away. But after a long phone conversation with one of my amazing and good friends last night, his words…”If ANYONE tries to tell you they don’t have bullshit or trouble, they are lying. It’s about those who don’t care to judge. It’s about those people who see you.” And after much thought, he is right. I guess if I need to be honest with myself, I was anticipating one thing, and another was taking place. I really wasn’t looking for someone to fix it. I am repairing it myself, probably for the first time in my life, I don’t feel the need to rely on anyone. I don’t NEED anyone, I choose to want them. But not for repair, anyways. And I don’t want them to repair me. I want to see all of them. I want to be shown the darkest parts, so there is no fear. So that the belief that opening up is possible I want to accept them, and see them for the beautiful disaster they are. I am a beautiful, fucking disaster. Most of the time, the darkest parts, aren’t really that dark at all. The magic lies in the release. The release of fear. The release is what ends up fixing the two of you. The entire acceptance that what you thought was impossible, is quite in fact, possible. Whether it is a romance, or a friendship, or a matter of family. It’s the acceptance that judgement isn’t an option. Fear doesn’t overcome love. The change, and the acceptance that someone is worth every moment of your love, is what fixes it. I have a hard time understanding that you could have something incredible, and trading it off for something mediocre, or comfortable, or even worse unloving. Something void of any type of passion, or ridiculous waves of positive emotions. Something that is simply, lazy and empty all together. I suppose that is why I will constantly be labeled a dreamer, or someone who chases rainbows. Doesn’t everyone want powerful connections and relationships?
I am on the right path. If I weren’t, I would feel it. Deep inside, I would know. So how could my intuition have been so off recently? I suppose mine wasn’t, because I chose to see the good. Again. I will continue to see the good. Once again, we come back to the lessons of clarity and regret. Funny how week after week I blog about similar topics because they just keep coming up. Not only for me, but my close friends as well. And while yesterday, I thought I had regret, I don’t think I do. But you might. Sometimes regret is repairable, and if you have that option, then repair it. Fix it now, before it’s too late.
I can’t even process the last few weeks, I guess. I’m baffled by peoples behavior. And I doubt my own intuition. I have never been so clouded. I have never had trouble digging down deep to truly see the person inside. Even in their worst, some of the people others could judge so harshly, I could see the good. There is good there, right?
I mean, I’m not a rose colored glasses person. I’m not cynical, I’m not pessimistic. I’m really not even optimistic. I’m somewhere in the comfortable middle, or so I thought. I’m having a hard time deciding what path to take, and which doors to close, in order to open another. This has been the craziest period in my entire life. And it’s been full of beauty and hope. But it’s been a difficult path to walk as well. Good thing I am not afraid of something being hard, or being out of my comfort zone anymore.
You know when I write, it isn’t only about romance. Love
in general, is what I am trying to convey. I don’t live in a fairy tale existence, but I believe in magic
. I believe it’s there. I guess that is ironic, but oh well. Last night, I doubted it, although I admitted I could still feel that strong pull, deep down inside myself. I can’t let go. If I let go, then others let go, and that just isn’t worth it. So the burden lies on my shoulders to continue to believe in the existence of miracles and magic
. As well as EVERYTHING
, and I mean EVERYTHING
happens for a reason. It all leads up to the moments
we all take for granted. We need to stop. You cannot go back. You can only live in the present, you can’t even truly plan a future. Not with fates hands constantly soiling its hands in your life. I believe we all have a plan. We need to be concerning ourselves with the path we are supposed to be taking, and possibly leading others down.
I thought about sharing a snippet from Taurean & Leo, and thought against it, but I am going to share it anyways. I’m not sure why it’s so similar to my life right now, but it is. And if you think it pertains to you, then well, I suppose you are correct. You will understand exactly what that statement means, and how much power it holds. I guess it turned in to a funny joke of sorts. Sadly, sometimes a mistake cannot be un-done. We get scared of the comfort zone, and we fall back to where we are comfortable. We forget we are worth more than the way some are treating us. And we just fall back in line.
The choices we make only allow for a tiny window to repair, when we know we’ve made the wrong decision out of habit, or fear. I guess after much self reflection, that might be my ultimate lesson. It wasn’t myself who was afraid this entire time, it was very simply, you who was afraid. I chose to trust, and let go of fear. I chose to reach for what I, and so many others, search for their entire life. For the very first time in my entire life. To completely eliminate judgement. To trust with complete blind faith. To love entirely. There was nothing in the way.
The best part was it was so unexpected, that it made it even more beautiful. It unfolded on its own. No forcing. No doubt. And so imperfectly, perfect.
Thought I would share another great song, by my favorite David Gray. Seems appropriate today…I guess for thinking I was going to shy away from writing, the fantastic Universe just gave me a spoon full of “Oh, really?”. Our hearts, and humans in general are such funny creatures. But yes, Michelle, & Danielle, YOU TWO ARE RIGHT. I can’t let go. I can’t shut down. I can’t stop believing, or go back to the negative person I was. You my friends, are unconditional love. The very definition.
Taurean & Leo by Tiffany Luv Wright
“She walked down the hallway sleepily. She could see her phone lighting up on the counter. She barely recognized the number as she yawned. It was Cades. Why was he texting her soon after leaving? She smiled and opened up the text. When she did, she felt her heart jump out of her chest.
The text read:
“I have decided to stay with my family. Sorry for the confusion. Last night was fun though. See ya around.”
Trinity’s heart was racing. She could feel the hot tears well up in her eyes. She sat the phone back down on the counter and sat down in the floor. It had all been a lie. He lied to sleep with her. She brought him in to her life, in to her bed, and he used her. What a thrill it must have been to him? Playing along with the dreams, acting as if he truly had been star gazed with her….she started to cry. She pulled her knees up under her chin and hid her face from the world. She was embarrassed, “what a fool” she whispered to no one. And she sobbed.
She wasn’t sure how long she had sat there, in the floor, crying her eyes and heart out. But it was painful. She felt like the biggest fool on the planet, and tried to get herself up. This was why she had locked up her heart with love. There was no such thing as reincarnation, or romance, or star crossed lovers. She was reading too much, she had been too nice, maybe she had made up the connection she had felt to Cade in her own head. Maybe she was crazy! She rose up off of the floor. Her phone was completely dead now.
She headed to the shower and climbed in. She cried again in the shower. She let the hot steam attempt to soak up the pain, and wash every trace of him off of her body.
When she got out, she laid on the bed. Still wrapped in her towels, she fought back the hot tears again. She had been so sure this time. She had felt something different? Maybe she hadn’t. Maybe it was just the stupid emotions and the fact that she was the lonely, sad girl she thought she had been. No one would ever want her. No one was honest. She had had enough. There would be no more sharing of herself. She laid on the bed half naked, and she cried herself to sleep. The pain was too intense.”