Slipping.

My emotions are so all over the place this week. I think it’s because I am stressed with absolutely no end in sight, I feel like I am suffocating.  I have a huge issue dumping any added stress to anyone I know, so I internalize until I feel like a caged tiger pacing back and forth waiting for someone to leave the gate open.  I did however break and invite the girls over for a coffee night and it was fabulous and fun.  I like who I am with them, I remember who I am, maybe that is a better way of describing it. 

I am slowly replacing the dreamer inside with the logical vixen and can feel myself shutting down. And I don’t want to do that.  Trying not to do it is extremely difficult.  I am so used to shutting down my emotions and operating like a ridiculous robot that I have to re-wire, no pun intended.  I vowed a few weeks ago that since I have a few followers and more popping in from my book…well…let’s say I promised someone that when I wrote, I would write with honesty.  And so I guess, here we go. 

     I am extremely blessed. I have a gratitude book that I write what I am thankful for in the present several times a week.  But this week especially I feel like the wind was knocked out of me.  Who in their right mind is going to want to spend time with someone with 4 children, a full time student with incredibley high expectations of her writing career, and 3 dogs.  Not too mention, throw in the baby body, hot temper, and deep passion that I can never seem to quench…I am a mess!  And then I got to thinking, why am I even thinking about a romance?  It’s only been finished for 2 months.  And then it hit me about what I wanted to blog about tonight. 

People leave a relationship and often tend to be drawn to another individual quickly. It’s not because you are used to it.  Which I think is what those on the outside seem to want to say. It is just nice to spend time with someone who is interested in you and shares the same views or passions.  I think when you spend, in my case a solid 2 years of fighting and avoiding the inevitable…you grow lonely.  You miss having another to love. You miss intimacy and passion, you miss love.  We crave it by nature.  But can it last?   Or is it just one big revoloving door of lazy and bored humans tossing their love away?  I guess that is where my next observation comes in to the picture. 

 It can’t be.  I can’t believe that, no matter how stressed, insecure, or upset I get.  I still believe in passionate, strong, and lasting love.  I am not a lazy lover, and I have to believe there is another out there who isn’t lazy either. 

     Do people really grow apart?  I don’t think so.  I think love is like a puzzle.  You tend to be drawn to someone and instead of allowing yourself to see that you might be forcing the piece to fit in to your life, we go ahead and shove that piece in the wrong spot.  And when it pops out of place is when the bad comes.  And then we get angry and blame the other person, when ultimately if we had followed our intuition in the beginning and not forced that puzzle together, eventually you could have gone separate ways and remained somewhat decent to one another.  

Haven’t you ever met someone and it was easy?  And I’m not saying there are not hard times,  this isn’t to be confused with really being there for someone when it’s time to shelter from a storm. What I am talking about is that it is simply, and so lovely, and easy.  You are drawn to them from the inside out.  Something in the way they talk, or the way your souls fit together?  You can feel the core of them and you know they are someone you need to have in your life?  You have to.  Those people teach us to be aware of another human.  These people are the ones who teach us to be aware of how we are treating another.  These people bring out our light. 

Get comfortable, because this is going to take a while tonight. 

You know them.  It’s as if you have known them your entire life, yet you still get the fun part of getting to “know” them.  I have met people like that recently. 
Six, actually in the last few months. Two females, and four males.  For those of you who know me, Cassie, is that female.  I just feel a connection.  I understand her, and she understands me, no explaining at all, ever.  She can tell me the truth without judgement or condemnation, and I get it.  So I am not just speaking of a romantic encounter.   And it’s strange because I would have missed them prior to being in the situation I am in.  Paul and A, I know you will come here and read.  I feel like the two of you are the mentioned, I know we talked about this before.  Another is a fellow author, who is a dear friend now.  And the other two, well, I am not ready to talk about them in too much detail yet because, I am just so unsure of the intentions or the outcome.   In particular, these two are occupying a tiny bit of real estate in my heart.  One is slowly taking over the other because he speaks to my heart on a very deep level.  The other, I am seeing now, was a necessity.  A necesssary lesson in regret.  I might be a little excited about one in particular, because I feel like there might be an adventure unfolding.  It’s nice to meet someone who understands your need for passion and love on an entirely different level than anyone else.  And it’s nice to meet someone who is interested in who you are.  But, to take a step back to my un-trusting nature for a split second, we shall see. 

  

 I guess the entire point is, I am so insecure right now.  And I know that is normal.  It’s going to take a while to find my feet and my confidence again,especially spending time thinking I was not worthy of love from someone again.  But I am trying.  I am moving on a daily basis towards the ultimate goal of replacing the negative with the positive, the hate with love.  I am trying to take each lesson as it comes.  All the while sitting at the window like a silly girl, with my hand on my cheek, and my head in the clouds. 

When I get to the part of logical vixen, someone remind me of who I truly am.  Someone who feels on a deep level, and shouldn’t be afraid of the future, or of falling in love, to never give up on love.  Please remind me that I am a hopeless romantic with her head in the clouds 99% of the time, someone who believes in making wishes on stars, and believes that the world is good. 

Remind me, and remind me often.  Remind others of why you love them.  Remind others of who they are.  Sometimes we forget. 

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